There’d been steady trickle of hot-dog meat into the shop. It was mind boggling. A real mishmash of snouts and arseholes. “I thought there was a recession on?” I’d told Paula. “It’s not biting hard enough.” She didn’t get that. There were tall people, short people, thin people and fat people. There were even a few of those people who somehow have a thin face but great big bellies. I was not impressed with any of them. It’s fair to say I hated them all. It didn’t much matter, of course, none of them were getting the job. There’d be no jobs to get. Paula and Enrique weren’t going anywhere. I was going to fuck that up for them. Still, the standard of human who was applying for Paula’s position was very low. That bothered me because it was also my position too but I wasn’t like these people, I was much better.
But the girl wasn’t just pretty, she was beautiful. I mean, Jesus. My throat clicked as I swallowed and imagined what her fanny looked like.
“Yes?” I squeaked. Incredibly the girl seemed nervous too. Maybe I wasn’t so ugly. Maybe she was madly in love with me?
“I’m here for an interview.” She said.
Cor! I thought. “Are you Polish?” I asked.
“Yes,” she replied.
“I’ve been to Warsaw,” I told her and she smiled. Well, if she liked that she better hang onto her knickers for the next bit because they were apt to fly off. “Twice,” I told her. She nodded. “I’ll go and see if he’s ready,” I told her and went over to Enrique’s door and entered without knocking. “Fucking hell!” I whisper/shouted to Enrique before I’d even got to his desk. “She’s amazing,” I said, looking back at the door to ensure she hadn’t followed me in. “You’ve got to… Hey, see how desperate she is,” I told him. “Polish, she’ll probably do anything.” I again checked the door. I lowered my voice even though there was no chance she could hear me. “Fucking hell,” I giggled and held up my hand for a high-five which I received. It wasn’t heartfelt from his side but then he hadn’t seen her yet. “Actually don’t do that,” I said before I left.
“Don do wha?”
“See how desperate she is. Don’t.” Enrique couldn’t be trusted. And this was kind of like our dream come true. When I’d showed him how easy it was to get a email account we’d talked about starting a porno site. Most nights in the summer, as we lounged in the paddly pool, we’d talk about our website. We’d interview the girls and get them to do anything for some money or, like, any food they could carry from the shop. We weren’t serious. I mean. Yeah, it’d be great but…
I apologised to the woman Enrique was currently interviewing and I went back out, the girl was talking to Paula. When the woman who’d been in with Enrique left I went over to the door.
“He’s ready for you now,” I said holding the door open like a Prince. I then beckoned the girl. She thanked me and entered. When the door closed I did something I’d never done before but always wanted to. I licked my finger and touched an imaginary hot thing and made a sizzle noise. I then went over to Paula and we both looked at the door. “What about that then, eh?”
“Seems nice,” said Paula. I laughed dismissively at her retardation.
“Nice? She’s more than nice,” I explained. “She makes you look like a pig,” I said.
“Thanks,” said Paula.
“A human pig.”
“No, I mean, you’re not a pig, you’re alright,” I punched her gently on the arm. “She, she makes you look like a pig.” I looked at Paula. “That’s a compliment,” I told her.
“She’s nothing special,” Paula said and I looked at her like she was a mental lunatic.
“Not that nice?”
“You crazy,” I told her as I headed for the deodorant. I sprayed myself with something and then returned to Paula. “Don’t know why women get so bitchy,” I told her. “If I see a good looking guy I can accept it.”
“It’s true. Wellington, he’s gorgeous. I can see that.”
“What about the guy earlier.”
“Little peanut head? Nah,” Even though she was showing no sign of moving I told her to wait there. I went to Enrique’s door, held the handle and then opened it. The interviewee was still fully clothed, I wasn’t surprised. “Tea? Coffee?” I asked. The girl said she was fine and Enrique said he’d have a coffee. Yeah, I’ll get right on that, I thought as I closed to door. Paula had gone and I went back to my counter and tried to think of why I’d been so concerned about Paula and Enrique leaving. Eventually Enrique brought the girl out. He shook her hand and she even smiled at me as she left. “Well?” I asked him.
“She nice,” said Enrique. We watched her cross the car park.
“Nice? She’s more than nice,” I said for the second time that day. “You’ve got to give her the job, it’s as simple as that,” I stated. Enrique nodded. “I love her and I’m not even joking.”
“Urgh!” I said. That was a spanner in the spokes. “Happily?” I asked looking at Enrique hopefully
Enrique smiled broadly and said, through gritted teeth, looking a bit like a ventriloquist sans dummy, “she married.”
“What the fuck?” I asked Enrique.
“Wha?” He asked, his face relaxing.
“You just… when I said ‘happily’ which, yeah, was an odd thing to ask you smiled and said what you’d said, sort of happily.” I studied him. The concentrated grin returned. His cheeks twitched. “You…” I said pointing to him. Then I pointed to myself and said, “we did a great joke!”
“I don understan'” said Enrique.
“She got kids?” I asked. It didn’t matter, it was ruined already.
“Dunno,” he replied but he seemed agitated and not just because he hadn’t understood the great joke we’d accidentally done. “Wha’ de hell is wrong wid dis?” He asked as he turned and started walking away, his gait stilted and unnatural. He was grabbing at the back of his pants. “My underpants go up my ass,” he said.
“Did you hear that, Paula?” I asked. She hadn’t so I explained what had happened. How me and Enrique had done a great joke without planning it or anything. She didn’t believe me.