Gone ten last night I was looking out of our bedroom window at the ferry going past. I know nobody on board could see me without a very powerful telescope but I still smile. When the wind is in the right direction you can hear the engines. I couldn’t hear the engines but as I gazed out could see my wife cross the garden which was lit only by the light from the kitchen window. She was carrying a plastic bag. Unusual behaviour. I watched as she went to the garage’s side door. I was a bit worried she was going to go in and have sex with Enrique but moments later she reappeared without the bag. She paused to pick up one of her model meerkats that had fallen over. I went to bed. An hour later she came to bed. When she was comfy I told her I’d forgotten to do something and got up.
“What?” She asked.
“I’ve just got to check the erm,” I said, I’d think of the rest of the lie while I was out.
I didn’t use the light in the kitchen and quietly opened the back door and snuck across the garden to the side door of the garage, the one with the bag hanging on its handle. I felt the shape of it then opened it and sniffed. It was the uneaten half of the Iceland lasagne the kids had had for tea. I tripped over the meerkat on the way back, but quietly.
“What did you do?” Asked my wife when I was back in bed.
“I was just checking the battery charger was on.” Fucking brilliant lie. We’ve got battery chargers all over the house. I knew she wouldn’t care what battery I was talking about.
I’ll break it to her soon that Enrique thinks food left on his door is some voodoo shit.