Just got a copy of the lunatic from the other day’s statement that he shouted to police while standing in the icy waters of Crim’s Wade. He only lasted about 3 hours before they got him out. He nearly died! Lost three toes! Anyway, here it is.

[Officer Len Le Brocq recorded with his pencil at 10.35am 19/12/2012]

I got some bad news. Yeah? Can you hear me? So I went to the Spar in St Ouen. I had heard horror stories about… AH, what’s that? Phew! Just sea weed, thought it was a crab. Anyway, I’d heard horror stories about this shop. Apparently the staff cut the ends off the sausage rolls and eat them. That’s why their sausage rolls are shorter. I was pretty apprehensive but my desire to smoke got the better of me. I asked the guy behind the counter for 20 Marlboro Lights. He placed them on the counter. And a lighter, I said not foreseeing the maelstrom.

[Officer Le Brocq] The what?


[Officer Le Brocq] What’s that?

I’m not that sure actually. I think it’s like a storm.

[Officer Le Brocq] Hail storm?

No, fucking maelstrom.

[Officer Le Brocq] How do you spell that?

M A E L S T R O M.

[Officer Le Brocq] Heh, never seen that word before.

Whatever, I didn’t see it coming. See, he picked up a lighter but instead of just giving it to me the guy behind the counter, who looked quite ill, nonchalantly flicked it and wasted some of the gas. I could scarcely believe my peepers. ‘Not that one’ I told him, I am nobody’s patsy. He picked up a green one, the first was red. Are you writing this down, pig?

[Officer Le Brocq] Yes

I reached for my wallet. As I was about to produce a £10 note he flicked that lighter. Right in front of my face. I eyed him. He eyed me. I shook my head. He gave me some attitude with a sigh and produced another lighter. We went through this about three more times. He was deliberately winding me up. Eventually I had had enough. He held out the 6th lighter and was just about to flick it – I could see he was going to do it – and before he had a chance I reached over and grabbed it from his hand. ‘Thanks’ I said with no sincerity. I really fucking needed to smoke. So I paid and, man, I was desperate. As I crossed the car park I was unwrapping the cellophane from the cigarettes whilst they were still deep in my pocket with dexterity I was pleased to have not lost in the three years since my last cigarette. I pulled out a cigarette and the lighter. Did the lighter work? Did it fuck. I bent off the metal bit and moved the adjuster to its fullest opening but still nothing. Hey! I am literally freezing to death here.

[suspect went silent and shook violently for several minutes 10.48am]

So my lighter that I’d just bought. It was obviously empty. He must’ve been flicking that one all day. I looked across and saw the guy who served me staring at me through the caging and adverts on the shop door. He must have seen the thunder in my face. I just Usained it across to him. His eyes widened and I saw him fumble for the locks. The distance beat me and when I got there the door was locked. I banged on it of course but he started shouting at me and gesturing. Another guy came out. The second guy was foreign, the kind of foreign who carry knives. So I left and went around the other side of the car park to find somebody with a lighter that worked. And then you lot turned up on your pursuit tractors and started treating me like a criminal. Me! Fucking island.

[suspect started crying, end statement 10.56am]

Ha, we do cut the ends off the sausages rolls!